Seriously?

Or maybe I'm taking this too seriously.

I stared at my phone, mouth agape, at the “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” text that came in response to asking them to let me know if they wanted to hang out again. The “what are you looking for?” conversation still hadn’t happened so there was no expectation on either side of where this was going. I hate being ghosted and I make a concerted effort not to ghost others so I always try to be very clear about if I’m going to hear from them again or not. That way, they have a chance to say no and I don’t have to handcuff myself to a radiator to avoid double texting. I didn’t ask “so what are we?”, so the response pulled the rug out from under me completely.

I used to roll my eyes at those Tiktoks lamenting the “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” text, thinking smugly “babe, they just don’t like you”. But it’s happened to me and people I know so many times now, apropos of nothing, I have to apologise. What I used to think was a fairly healthy statement now sends shivers down my spine. Communication and setting expectations are important but it seems to me that this phrase has become the Uno reverse card of dating. Oftentimes, it comes out of nowhere and changes the dynamic completely. I feel silly for asking a straightforward question, and I’m asking myself “what did I do?” And if I do see them again, am I going to feel as comfortable as before now that there’s a brick wall between us on the bar table?

While I think it’s an important thing to clarify when you start dating someone, I feel as though it’s mutated into something some people use to shift their disinterest in committing onto the other person. They’ll enjoy what they can from the interaction and when it gets too serious, they can suggest that the other person got the wrong idea. I want to make it very clear that there is absolutely nothing wrong with letting someone know you’re not looking for anything serious - it’s actually important that you do - but I feel like it’s becoming a buzzword for people to drop whenever they feel like dipping out consequence-free, to the detriment of other person. I hear people saying it more and more. I’ve had friends tell me they were seeing someone for months when they had the bombshell dropped on them. People might literally tell you they love you but that they’re not looking for anything serious right now. It’s enough to make you feel crazy.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Aoife has had the text sent to her and is feeling bitter, but that’s not the case at all. I had only dated this person twice so wasn’t expecting anything. Besides, I’ve had it said to me countless times before and what’s more, I’M not even actively looking for anything serious right now. What bothers me is just the context in which I’m seeing it used. Investing time in someone romantically only to withdraw it with the caveat that it was never anything serious for you feels like gaslighting to me. And this growing trend of defensively throwing it out there is derailing a lot of opportunities to develop connections that might potentially go somewhere. It’s hard to get back on the horse when the horse has told you it might throw you off.

I don't know. Maybe I'm taking this too seriously.